Beyond Flattery: The Value of Genuine Appreciation in Influence
Frankie Kemp
6 June 2022
A vital part of steering behaviour and getting tasks down through others is the art of the sincere compliment.
However, this communication skill is either under used or misused.
For example, there are some people who only ever seem to show their ‘deep appreciation’ of you when they want something done. The act of showing appreciation, however, shouldn’t be at the moment you want a favour. Do it right, and it helps form bonds and increase collaboration.
What praise and compliments are NOT
There IS value in making others feel good, though.
However, this is not about being a total creep. In his seminal book, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, Dale Carnegie advises the reader to ‘find a sincere way to make others feel important’.
Making others feel ‘important’ may not be what you’re after. Making them feel appreciated or valued might be more preferable.
Why appreciation is so valuable to express
Expressing a genuine mutual appreciation makes work easier and more enjoyable. If you aim to steer action, influence and be acknowledged, this is a solid starting point.
Even if someone knows about their redeeming qualities, they like to be appreciated for it. Besides, as obvious as those qualities are to you, don’t assume leaders and peers realise that you’ve noticed when it’s possible they didn’t either.
Acknowledging what someone ‘brings to the table’ helps develop trust – the glue of relationships: if there’s no trust, there’s no relationship. You can disagree with colleagues without fear of alienation when you trust each other, making collaboration more likely.
Here are 7 ways to sincerely make people feel important and appreciated:
1. Say their name. Have you ever been on a virtual call and the host has welcomed in everyone by name – but you? It’s as if you don’t matter. But when your name is used, it gets personal and virtually, it’s more likely that the speaker will grab your attention and keep it. People literally and metaphorically feel seen. Here are four times using names will be very effective in building bonds.
2. Use techniques to actively listen. Active Listening is a crucial skills showing respect of your speaking partner even if you don’t agree. Hostage negotiators like Chris Voss use these techniques with kidnappers to understand what ‘s really driving their actions, using skills that may seem ‘soft’ but produce real outcomes such as live hostages. Such techniques include: paraphrasing, mirroring back and showing empathy for someone’s needs.
3. Compliment. By making this genuine and specific, it reflects sincerity but don’t be that person who does it only when they need something. Here’s some guidance on that.
4. Ask for a recommendation. You know they’re knowledgeable about something you want to gem up on. Asking for recommendations shows you value someone’s opinions. In addition, it proves you’ve listened. Need some advice on maintaining an allotment? You ask Duncan because you recalled the conversation two weeks ago when he told you he’d acquired one.
5. Ask for their advice. Again, as for recommendations, it shows an appreciation for another person’s knowledge. The effects of asking advice were explored in a 2015 research paper, published in Management Science. One of the benefits of seeking advice from others is that social bonds are strengthened by making the adviser feel affirmed. However, the most surprising result of their research is that the seeker of the advice actually appears MORE, not less competent.
6. Give praise. This needs to be sincere and not given when you want something. Also, it’s safer to do this privately as others could see this as favouritism and when you do praise, be specific about what you’re affirming. For example, this could be the creative way a problem was solved or the way a client was treated with calm and patience. The praise then comes over as more genuine, enabling the receiver to repeat behaviour and do more of what’s wanted. Another use of praise is to manage up. By praising behaviours you want to encourage and ignoring those you don’t, behavioural psychology tells that those vocally appreciated behaviours become more common than the less desirable ones. This is called ‘positive reinforcement training’. It can be used on your manager as successfully as it’s used to train gorillas. Make of that what you will.
7. Have reciprocal exchanges. In his book, ‘Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion’, Robert Cialdini cites in-depth research on the value of reciprocity and it’s vital role in building bonds. The act of giving, and the giving of something relevant and important to another person, shows that you have regard for what the recipient values.
Many of these techniques can be used early on when you meet others and can serve as effective follow up after networking, such as sharing recommendations.
Like a boomerang, making others feel good bounces back to you too: you’ll feel better for spreading a bit of light.
Your Action:
1. Which TWO behaviours could you be doing more of?
2. Once you’ve determined these, use them more in conversation either socially or professionally, when the moment arises for you to do this sincerely. For example, you notice some small positive shift in someone’s behaviour and you state your appreciation.
3. Watch the effect and note if your interactions with that person also shift.
4. Do more of what’s working or / and choose another behaviour to draw upon with someone else.
Anything you’d add to the list of 7? Do you have any specific queries about how to use these behaviours? Write it in the comments below:
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