How to form rapport with others before you even speak

Forming connections in business relationships can seem like hard work, especially when the client, prospect or colleague is so different from you.  If you’ve been though any personality assessments such as MBTI, these might help but as you’re trying to find your footing at the beginning of a relationship, you need an easier method to create connection.

For those serious about boosting communication skills quickly, there’s a subtle technique that you can start applying in all your interactions – from interview skills, to business networking techniques and beyond. 

Whether you’re leading people, selling an idea or out for a cheeky beverage with a new friend, this technique is scientifically proven to work.  It’s even been proven to help you get a date. It’s unlikely to be why you’re reading this right now but think of it as a unexpected gift if you’re on the hunt.

The technique I’m talking about is Matching.

The Benefits Of Matching

Likeability:

On a basic level, matching creates more likeability between people.

In a series of experiments described in this 2009 Paper published in the Annual Review of Psychology, a group of researchers pretended to be among a group of subjects who were asked to work with another participant in selecting pictures for a project.

The researchers either imitated the spontaneous postures, movement and mannerisms of the subjects or kept a neutral posture.

Those who were matched by their partners (the researchers) rated their interaction with the researcher higher in terms of trust and likeability than the researchers who maintained a neutral posture. As you echo the body language, voice or verbal character of others, empathy grows.

When you initiate matching, be it through vocal pattern or physical ones, people simply like you more.

Deeper Listening, Better Communication:

The benefit of matching goes even deeper than likeability. It also aids collaboration and deep listening.

A Princeton study revealed that the closer the neural synchronisation between two discussion partners, the better the communication and comprehension. This neural synchronisation also called limbic resonance,  is initiated when you’re physically or auditorily in tandem with another person.  Auditory matching would refer to the pace or pitch of the voice, for example so can work even when you can only hear your conversation partner.

Within our brains, there is a certain class of cells that oscillate, that is they generate electrical activity that physically coordinates people by regulating how and when their bodies move together. This has been demonstrated in numerous studies such as the exploration of neural activity between two guitarists. When playing separately, focusing on their own musical scores, the oscillators in the musicians’ individual brains were entirely different.  As soon as they segued into a duet, the electrical pulses in their craniums started to synchronise, their hearts began beating at similar rates. Even their eyes dilated in tandem.

Once they returned to their solos, this ‘mind melding’ reverted to its previous individual state.

The power of moving in tandem with others is holistic: it conducts both physical responses and integrates differences between people.  It’s this neural synchronisation that facilitates better communication and comprehension, allowing us to listen more deeply to our conversation partner.

The intellectual work of trying to work out how someone thinks, what personality type they are, therefore plays second fiddle to matching. So if you can’t work out where they are on the MBTI scale or whether they’re green, red or purple, let it go. Match to build rapport.

By falling in with the postures, vocal patterns or gestures of others, they start to gain trust in you.  Obviously, these need to be supplemented with other actions over time but building the motivation to want develop that relationship in the first place depends on the rapport you have at the outset.

How To Use Matching

In what ways can you match:

Here are some of the ways in which you can use matching.

1. Vocal speed – if they speak rapidly, you speed up. If they’re slower, you do the same.
2. Vocal tone – match a softer speaker or someone more strident.
3. Physical Rhythm – They tap their foot, you can tap yours. Alternatively do what may be more natural for you, by tapping a pen or finger, an approach called Crossover Matching. Another example might be that they fold their arms and you cross you legs.
4. Physical space – if the other person is more contained with their gestures, then be less effusive with your own. If they look defensive, don’t mirror that but do keep your limbs closer to your own body, otherwise they’ll retreat.
5. Posture – when the other person is sitting backwards, you may lean back too. If they are slumping, again matching that won’t be useful so partially mirror: go for sitting up sitting back but upright.
6. Words – echo some of the language back to the other. Use this technique especially in proposals and emails and messaging.  Here’s how you can use this technique when confronted or you need to seek clarification.

How to do it naturally – without looking like you’re mimicking:

While dining in a restaurant, I observed a group of people having dinner. Seated at a round table, they were all leaning in, listening intently to one of their group speaking when suddenly, they leant away, throwing their heads back and began howling with laughter at exactly the same time.

It was obvious that joke’s punchline had landed. Their oscillators were all dancing to the same tune.

But if someone moves or speaks very differently from you, matching might not feel as natural. Do it wrong and it looks disconcertingly as if you’re mimicking the other person. Neither do you want to feel like you’re pretending to be someone else.  So here are some guidelines to make Matching unobtrusive and natural.

1. Have a time lag. Leave a short time gap between action of the other and your imitation

2. Be selective. If the other person is waving their arms like a demented traffic cop, you may feel uncomfortable doing that too. However, you may feel more genuine mirroring their smiles.  This is called Partial Matching.  Notice the partial matching in this group.

3. Vary the amplitude. If they’re sitting with the arms folded across their torso, you may opt for sitting with one hand on top of your wrist, settled in your lap.

4. You only have to be aware of Matching in the first 30 seconds. After that, there’s a sub-conscious interplay between you and the other person whereby you’ll naturally match and form a flow in the conversation, resulting in a more comfortable and open exchange.

How to test the rapport:

What’s happening with Matching is you’re following their ‘music score’ rather than going straight in with yours.  If you want others to follow you, you need to show that you’re willing to climb into their world. This is an essential component of influence skills techniques.

When salespeople feel that there’s enough trust established but want to test it, they’ll introduce their own gesture, which will slightly mismatch that of their prospect. If the prospect follows, the sales person is ready to ask for commitment – and more likely to attain it.  This commitment might not be about buying at this stage, but a demonstration or whatever the next step might be.

This technique isn’t only used in Sales. You can apply it to see if someone is on the same wavelength as you, for example, when proposing an idea or expressing an opinion. The moment they start to follow you, you know you’ve got the potential for a partnership.

Matching offers a fast-track to forming meaningful connections, regardless of personality differences or situations. It’s a technique that can transform the way you interact, building trust and likeability effortlessly.

Your Action Step

1. You next phone call: adjust vocal tone to match the other.  Alternatively, echo some of their language or the pace at which they’re speaking.
2. Meeting or social: physically match or partially match the posture and gestures of the other.

Considering improving your ability to connect with others? Look at my business networking skills training. Dip into this conversational skills training to see how I work with clients to enrich their interactions in business. Get in touch with me here.

Picture by Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on unsplash.com

This article was originally published in September 2019 was completely updated in March 2025.