The Art of Dealing with Subtle Snipes and Baseless Accusations

Dealing with aggression at work can leave people feeling powerless. But, for some, passive aggression is just as tricky as it’s so insidious: hinted at but not quite on the surface yet.

Sometimes, it’s easier to get up and leave, other times you need to learn how to communicate in these more confronting situations.

When I worked as a scriptwriter for TV presenters, I recall one particular presenter, extremely nervous about a global broadcast, lobbing accusations at me in front of crew.

Up to that point, there had been numerous script changes due to in-fighting among the multiple producers.  Understandably, the constant script edits were stressful for the presenter, so one day she snapped, screaming accusations of me being ‘out to undermine her’. I stood there speechless in the face of her tirade.

Communication skills seem to get up and leave you in situations such as these: ungrounded accusations chucked in your face.  Had I known then what I know now, I’d have jumped to ‘4. Knowing when to Exit’, towards the end of this post and attempted to de-escalate by acknowledging and moving on. We limped through until the final broadcast, when she was euphoric, but being screamed at in public left me (or rather my ego) very scarred, despite the sympathy from the crew.

Passive aggression is a slightly different beast. You see it bobbing along under the surface and don’t know if it’s a friendly dolphin or shark until it comes up to bite you.

When under fire, be it surreptitiously or overt, we might instinctively lash back, remain silently undermined or clumsily attempt to defend ourselves.

Rather than leaving you feeling powerless, I’ve taken this clip of Robert Downey Jnr who’s being interviewed by Krishnan Guru-Murthy for the Marvel film, ‘Age of Ultron’, which seriously derails. You can watch it here to Downey giving a fine example in how to use your interpersonal communication skills to handle both overt accusations or veiled personal attacks.

I’ve broken down his responses below to translate his tactics to your professional interactions.

Reacting to Unfair Jabs and Subtle Snipes

1. Recognizing Passive Aggression

Passive aggression stems from accusations disguised as seemingly innocent questions, which aim to undermine the individual.

For example, in whichever way Downey responds to journalist, Krishnan Guru-Murthy’s query about Downey’s political persuasion (2.19), it will undermine Downey and has nothing to do with the reason they’re there – to promote a film. If Downey was a politician on the campaign trail, asking him about his party allegiances might be justifiable.

In your workplace, staying calm and composed as you identify these cues is critical. Ask yourself if you need to justify yourself. If not, hold the eye contact as Downey does at 2.24 in the video. Notice that his head is slightly leaning to the side, taking the edge off any confrontation. He avoids an immediate reaction. This alone can make the questioner back-pedal. For contrast, this is the harder stare, Downey gives  at 6.38. Notice that the eyes are more narrowed, accompanied by the frown.  Scoll down for the section specifically on body language.

If that doesn’t stop the other person, move on to these strategies.

2. Strategies for Ungrounded Accusations

When faced with a barrel of accusations, it’s essential to not to be reactive and lash back. You may have misinterpreted the question or the questioner’s motives. There’s more of a chance that you can redirect the conversation toward a constructive outcome.

a. Acknowledge the remark (2:30): This also buys time. Downey responds at 2.30 with, “I appreciate your point of view,” allowing himself to cap reactivity. Here are some more ways to buy time before speaking. This is important as it stops a reaction to a question that you may have misinterpreted. Alternatively…

b. State how this feels: The other person may have no idea how they’re coming across. Ask: Why do I feel like I’m on trial’? (Obviously, if you’ve been embezzling company profits, you probably are but let’s assume you’re off the hook here).

c. Nudge to the objectives: Remind others to of the objectives. At 3.54, Downey responds to Guru-Murthy’s insistence on his line of questioning with, “Are we promoting a movie?” Framing these as a question makes this less controlling but no less effective. Here are two other ways to do this.

i) “How is this related to {name the objective}?”
ii) “Shall we focus on {name the objective}? Here are other ways to refocus the dialogue when it’s going off track.

3. Handling Personal Questions

When questions cross into irrelevant personal territory, Downey masterfully softens his refusal to engage. At 7:11, he says, “I’m sorry,” then pointedly asks, “What are we doing?”

In a professional context, consider these adaptations:

a. For accusations:“Thanks for being honest. I’ll think about what you said.”

b. For personal questions:

1. 1. Prompt the other person to justify their question: “This feels very personal. I find it interesting that you’re so curious.”
   2. Alternatively, redirect to address the subtext. For example, they ask you how old you are, as they doubt your experience. Instead of going silent, or telling them and then hating yourself for it, state your experience: who you help, the challenges they face, the outcomes they’ve achieved. A quick structure for that is here.

c. A mindless personal attack: You can call them out: “Nasty!”, ignore it, give it a derisive, “Whateverrr” or the more neutral, “That’s below the belt”. For responses to sarcastic digs at work, go here.

d. For both, Refocus: Simply refocus, as above, with questions like,“What are we looking to achieve here?” or “How would you like this done differently?”

These tactics will keep the conversation professional and on track.

4. Knowing When to Leave

By 7.11, Downey’s now listening to Guru-Murthy, cornering him about his history with drink and drugs, so he terminates the issue with ‘’Bye’, then gets up and goes. Perfectly fine in a film publicity interview that won’t get back on track but that can terminate a pay-check if you do it with your boss or simply be unfeasible in other circumstances. In the face of a dialogue that persists in its unproductive accusations or passive aggression, you can gracefully close conversations:

a. Acknowledge: Respond to the speaker’s input: “I’ll think about what you’re saying?”

b. Exit with grace:

i) Let them know they’ve been heard: You don’t have to state agreement, though, for example:

• • “I’ll think about what you’ve said.”
  • “Thanks for being honest.”

ii) Get the hell outta there: Politely excuse yourself, citing another obligation, such as in:

• • “I’d better go to my meeting now.”
  • “We seem to be at an impasse. Let’s revisit this later.”
    (Note: don’t offer this if they’re letting something out on you or the motives are unclear.)

5. Will you actually think about what they’ve said?

Possibly not. Instead, you’ll be thinking about why they’ve turned into such a psycho. However, you might give it some thought. Realise too, that they may be:

1. letting their frustration out on you, will go home and reconsider.

2. there’s a possible grain of truth that is relevant and needs to be addressed more constructively, in which you may decide to revisit the conversation.

Either way, at least it doesn’t have you engage in a pointless cycle of accusations and justifications on the spot.

The Power of Non-Verbals in Handling Aggression

When aggression strikes unexpectedly, your words might momentarily abandon you. Your non-verbals, although silent, are oh-so-powerful. Here’s how to use them to make an impact.

1. Lock Eyes (But Not Like a Staring Contest)

Steady, calm eye contact is the gold standard for confidence. At 2:24, Downey holds eye contact with a slight head tilt—just enough to say, “I see you” without being confrontational. Think of it as the difference between a firm handshake and crushing someone’s knuckles. Your goal? Calm authority, not discomfort.

Notice that his head is slightly leaning to the side, taking the edge off any confrontation. He avoids an immediate reaction. This alone can make the questioner back-pedal.

For contrast, this is the harder stare, Downey gives at 6.38. Notice that the eyes are more narrowed, hardened by the frown, a clear sign that a boundary’s being drawn. Use the softer version for deflection and the harder one sparingly, like a pinch of chili in your cooking—it’s potent.

2. Channel Your Inner Bamboo: Stand Tall but Stay Flexible

Your posture says, “I’ve got this,” even if your inner monologue is more, “What fresh hell is this?” Sit or stand upright, but don’t go ramrod straight—that screams defensive. Downey shifts subtly in his chair (5:30), showing irritation but maintaining control. One shortcut to the body language here, is to be more ‘Cat’, less ‘Dog’.

3. Breathe Like You’ve Just Finished Yoga (Not a Sprint)

Breathing is the unsung hero of composure. Downey’s chest breathing at 6:55 reveals he’s teetering on “fight or flight.” At that point, he knows it’s time to go. If instantly flying off isn’t yet an obvious choice, channel deep belly breaths to stay cool, calm, and collected. It can put the lid on saying anything you might later regret.

4. Respect the Bubble

Personal space isn’t just polite—it’s strategic. Create enough distance to keep things professional and reduce emotional intensity. Downey’s physical shifts establish boundaries without causing a scene. Remember, the goal isn’t to look aloof; it’s to protect your calm. If you don’t manage to de-escalate a tirade, you will at least minimise the chance of it escalating.

Managing Emotional Residue

Even if you have dealt elegantly with someone piling slurs upon your good name or through passive aggressive insinuations, it’s normal to still be left with ’emotional detritus’. Downey might have walked out that interview with a rage still simmering, even if he did resist being cornered.

Here are ways to deal with the discord debris:

• Address it with action: talk it out with a friend, colleague or coach;
• Channel energy into physical activity like kickboxing or squash;
• Dump your thoughts on to unlined blank pages of A4.  I’ve taken this one from Julia Cameron’s brlliant book ‘The Artist’s Way’, and it’s backed by research.
• Beat the crap out of a pillow with the Dyson stick or a mop.  I’ve taken this one from a coach, and it’s backed by experience.

These methods help to process negative emotions and prevent anger from lingering.  Here’s a full guide on navigating your emotions at work.

Your Actions:

In Summary: How to Handle Verbal Aggression or Passive Aggression:

1. Stay Physically Calm and Grounded:

• • • Breathe deeply to steady yourself.
    • Maintain calm eye contact with a slight head tilt to defuse tension.

2. Acknowledge and Buy Time:

• • • Respond non-reactively: “I appreciate your perspective” or “That’s an interesting point.”
    • Use this moment to gather your thoughts and avoid reacting impulsively.

3. Respond and Exit Gracefully:

• • • Say you’ll reflect: “I’ll think about what you’ve said,” or thank them: “Thanks for your honesty.”
    • Wrap it up with a polite exit: “I’d better go.”

To Conclude

I was working on Business Networking Skills with two Agricultural Consultants. Often surrounded by gruff or aloof male farmers, were often at the mercy of questions such as “How old are you?”. What that had to do with the price of pasteurised milk bemused us all. But we all knew why these men were asking: they couldn’t get their heads round how two women in their 20s, whose boots weren’t covered in cowpat, could possibly consult on anything other than a milkshake. Interestingly, they weren’t asking the male consultants in their 20s when they were born. Instead of answering a question which is set to undermine them, they developed a series of responses, the preparation of which kept them confident and composed.

By integrating these strategies into your own interpersonal skills at work (and outside), you’ll handle verbal aggression, be it overt or covert, with grace and control, protecting your poise – and your pay check.

Sometimes you need some professional feedback and help with communication skills training. If you need to step up your ability your verbal and non-verbal influence skills then have a look at my communication skills courses to see how I work with clients to upgrade their impact: I can do the same for you. Get in touch with me here.

Photo by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash.com