Six Reasons They Won’t Do As You Ask

When a team member resists a request, it’s rarely simple defiance. Six distinct things can cause push-back – a credibility gap, a lack of self-belief, repeated failure, the wrong messenger, absence from the room, or not knowing how to start. Diagnosing which one you’re facing changes what you do next.

You have a new initiative and all you need your team to do is…do it.

But humans don’t work like software updates.

They avoid. They negotiate. They reinterpret. They get overwhelmed.

Patrick hates feeling controlled. Marcia has too much on her plate. Someone else is quietly terrified of getting it wrong.

1. “Why Won’t They Follow Through If You’re Not Doing It Yourself?”

“If you don’t do it, neither will I.”

A 2017 field study across hotels found guests were less likely to follow environmental conservation guidelines when the hotel itself made no visible commitment to being green.

The request backfired, with the effect being stronger for higher-priced hotels (Wang, Krishna & McFerran, 2017, Journal of Marketing Research).

How to recognise it: it isn’t only the specific ask that gets ignored. The same study found the backfire wasn’t limited to the request itself: guests’ overall perception of the hotel’s credibility on the issue dropped too. That’s the workplace equivalent of a colleague generalising: “if they’re not walking the walk here, why should I trust anything else they’re asking for.”

What to do about it: demonstrate the behaviour you’re expecting. If it’s not suitable to actually be seen grabbing a broom yourself, at least be seen to engage: show visible interest in the people and the problem, not just the instruction.

2. “Why Does Someone Avoid Starting a Task They’ve Agreed To?”

Lack of self-belief.

In 1977, Bandura introduced the concept of self-efficacy. This refers to a person’s belief in their ability to successfully perform a specific task or handle a particular situation.

Without that, you can be as persuasive as heck, but you’ll find yourself pushing against a wall.

How to recognise it: looks more like avoidance or over-preparation than defiance. No real argument against the task, just endless clarifying questions, procrastination, or quiet non-starting.

What to do about it: ask them to walk you through their plan. If it’s vague or they deflect, this is often it.

3. “Why Does Someone Say “I Tried That Before, What’s the Point”?”

Repeated failure.

This can severely decrease someone’s will to perform a task for another.

How to recognise it: that ‘failure’ can manifest in the subtlest of ways: a lack of appreciation, or a dismissive attitude to any achievements while emphasising perceived failures.

It may even carry a more resigned energy, and you’ll hear phrases such as “I tried that before” or “what’s the point?”

What to do about it: the one thing that doesn’t work is weak reassurance like “You’ve got this.” For someone who believes “I’m not good at this,” that’s just noise.

A few approaches that do work: treat the next attempt as a small experiment rather than a retry. Sharing stories of successful people who’ve also struggled has been shown to increase academic achievement in challenged students. Here’s a link to the study, (originally published by Lin-Siegler et al. in The Journal of Educational Psychology, 2016).

Separating a fixed trait (“this is not my strength”) from the outcome also supports self-belief. Recognising other forces that may have shaped a result that fell short such as an under-resourced project, political factors at play can also help.

4. “Why Does the Same Message Land Differently From a Different Person?”

Right words, wrong mouth.

It’s not the message itself but the person delivering it that causes it to be dismissed or rejected.

How to recognise it: the reaction may be visible and obvious – an eye roll, a side-eye, a sneer. You tell your 17-year-old to stop smoking; you’re met with pretty obvious push-back.

Their friend mentions they might be giving up, and they might argue the logic, but it’s not an outright dismissal. Note that what looks like an argument is often just someone thinking aloud – not necessarily push-back.

What to do about it: test this resistance by delivering the message through another party –also called syndicated or indirect influence. If the message lands when delivered by someone else, you’ll know it was simply the wrong mouthpiece.

Research, (published in The Psychology of Addictive Behaviours, 2017 by Crano et al.) on teenagers resisting anti-drug messages demonstrated reduced resistance when the source was a peer, as opposed to an adult. Having someone else deliver your message in their way can make all the difference.

5. “Why Does Someone Only Act When You’re in the Room?”

Out of sight.

Individuals physically in the room are more likely to be influenced by those simply calling in. For example, if a usually absent, uninterested leader suddenly appears, issuing orders, people are less likely to be persuaded.

The proximity principle holds that we’re more likely to be swayed by those we spend more time with.

How to recognise it: you send four emails and a chain of Slack messages. Any more and you’ll be arrested for stalking. You can recognise the non-action, the silence.

What to do about it: the sooner you can meet the person face-to-face, the more likely you are to see concrete action. You bump into the recipient while supping your coffee, have a quick chat, and before you’re back at your desk, they’ve followed up on the task. That’s the proximity effect right there.

6. “Why Does Someone Agree to a Task but Never Deliver It?”

They know ‘what’ but not ‘how.’

Individuals may agree to a request but still not carry it out, because they’re unsure how to go about fulfilling it.

How to recognise it: there’s no argument. There’s even apparent willingness. You wait, but nothing gets delivered.

Ask them to talk you through the steps: “How would you go about it?” You’ll soon see if there’s any confusion. Add: “What do you need to have this done?”. The block might be about capability (having the right resources) rather than ability.

What to do about it: the motivation ladder here offers a clear guide to diagnosing where someone might be stuck in carrying out a request.

Want a quick reference? It’s here for you to print out:

Your Action Steps:

1. They’re not doing anything. It’s gone silent or there’s defiance in the sneer, the vocal push-back.
2. You could get curious. Always useful. And if that doesn’t uncover anything or there’s not room for questioning – perhaps they’re remote, in someone else’s team and think they can afford to skim pass your messages – then..
3. Look at the six reasons above, pick one and act on it.

Feeling you need to pull a team member along and can’t work out where the block is? I’m here to guide you through that. Have a look at my influence and communication training page here . Book a free 15-minute Discovery Call here.

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