How talking to yourself can boost confidence and clarity
Frankie Kemp
2 March 2025
Ever found yourself in deep conversation with…yourself?
But not in that, “C’mon, Dave, pull yourself together and stop being a tw*t” sort of way.
More of a “Dave, you’ve got the directness and knowledge to wow them!”.
If yes, congratulations, you’re already an accidental practitioner of illeism – talking to yourself in the third person.
Talking to yourself, they say, is the first sign of madness. In reality, talking to yourself can save your sanity. But it doesn’t just stop you from going loopy. There are numerous ways talking to yourself improves how you function, from communication skills to problem solving.
The Solomon Paradox
Related to illeism is the Solomon Paradox—named after the wise King Solomon who gave great advice but struggled with his own life decisions. Studies show that people give wiser advice to others than they do themselves. Applying this to your self-talk can work wonders.
How Illeism Works
The magic happens because illeism encourages self-distancing. Instead of fixating on your immediate emotional reaction, you’re focusing on reconstructing your experience. This approach bypasses the brain areas linked with negative self-talk, fostering a more positive mindset.
The Benefits of Illeism
So why go through the effort of talking about yourself as if you’re narrating your own life story? Here’s why:
Emotion Regulation: Neutralizes emotions that might otherwise throw you off track. By thinking of yourself as an observer, managing your emotions becomes easier.
Perspective: Provides a broader view, helping you find wiser solutions.
Clarity: Increases the chance of seeing situations more clearly by bypassing negative self-referential thoughts.
Training Self-Compassion: We’re often more generous with others than we are of ourselves. Self-talk, when practised as I describe here, helps to train the brain into a more respectful dialogue with yourself.
Do not ‘Nail it!”
Avoid cliches: personally speaking, when I hear others respond to my self doubts with “You’ve got this!” or “You’re going to crush it!” I challenge this internally with “How do you know?”
Aim for something meaningful: Be specific or relevant to the task in hand because it’s more convincing and less likely to be rebuffed by that other, more negative, inner voice.
Go for the positive, kill the negative: Saying “You’ve got the experience and talents for this role,” before an interview is motivating. “Don’t mess up” is not.
Quick Illeism Tips for Everyday Use
Journalling: Writing “You were so persuasive today, Trish” in your journal can make those achievements feel more real.
Post-It Note Pep Talks: Stick little reminders around your workspace. “Remember your steely determination in that meeting, Sarah!” can work wonders.
Daily Mantras: Start your day with third-person affirmations like, “You have the creativity and determination to succeed.”
Real-Life Applications of Illeism
This Jedi mind trick of viewing your experience from the outside can be applied to:
Difficult Conversations: When you’re dreading that tough chat with your boss or partner, third-person self-talk can help you stay cool and collected.
Networking: Feeling anxious at a networking event? Give yourself a pep talk, such as, “Alex, got your three questions? Great. You are ready to roll!”
Presentations: Transform stage fright into stage might with a little third-person cheerleading. Here are three other ways to calm that presentation anxiety.
Decision Making: Bring clarity to those tough choices by stepping outside your own shoes and seeing the big picture.
Problem Solving: Illeism can make challenges easier to tackle by fostering a sense of detachement. Apply logical thinking and problem-solving skills, akin to how you might approach the challenges of others.
Examples of Illeism in Action
Using illeism can help bring a fresh perspective to challenging situations. Here are some non-cliché examples:
Difficult Conversations:
“Jamie, you’ve practiced this, and you know what needs to be said. Stay calm and speak from the heart; you’ve got this.”
Networking:
“Alex, remember those three conversation starters you prepped? Perfect. You’re about to make some meaningful connections!”
Presentations:
“Taylor, you’ve rehearsed your points and know this material inside out. Just breathe, smile, and share your expertise.”
Decision Making:
“Jordan, step back and consider the bigger picture. You’ve weighed the pros and cons; trust your instincts to make the right choice.”
Problem Solving:
“Morgan, you’re great at helping others untangle their problems. Now, apply that same objective thinking to your own issue and you’ll find a solution.”
Your Action:
- Referring to any of the situations above, note one which may be imminent for you.
- Define a positive, specific statement will reinforces your belief.
- Go into the future with that refreshed conviction!
These techniques can be included in my communications skills training courses, as well as problem solving skills. Become a Communication Ninja. Start with a free 15-minute, no strings attached Discovery Call here.
